To Pushy, Judgemental Christians (The Rest of Y’all Christians Are Cool):

Remember Christians: if you choose to follow a religion, your governing book doesn’t allow you to pick and choose only the parts of the Bible to follow that are convenient for you while ignoring the parts that go against what you believe to be right or still allow you do what you want while being a “Christian.”

If you’ve ever had a religious dispute with someone with different beliefs and you left the conversation upset and/or angry because the other person logically quoted parts of your religious text that you choose to ignore, then you probably shouldn’t speak badly about homosexuality, or sex before marriage, or drinking, or any of the other the hot topics that “example Christians” like to harp on, make posters and protest about, and stand on street corners in downtown Orlando preaching over a bullhorn about how all the non-Christians are going to hell.

If you’re gonna be a bible thumper, make sure you hit every page with equal, palm-on-paper thumpage (I made that word up just for you).

What’s that you say? Your new son-in-law just came to you and told you that your daughter was not a virgin when he “went into her?” And, it turns out, she actually wasn’t a virgin? Well, I hope your neighbors in your city have strong throwing arms and big rocks in their yard because your daughter is about to get stoned to death (Deuteronomy 22:13-21). At least the larger stones thrown by burly men will kill her quickly and she won’t suffer for long. That’s a nice silver lining for you, the parents, right?.

Wait, what the heck am I talking about? That passage is in the Old Testament, so it definitely doesn’t apply to today’s Christian. No, I mean that passage was explicitly directed at the people who lived in Israel at the time the Bible was written. No, I mean both are true, so ignore that stuff I just said, Christians: your non-virgin, newly wed daughter is safe.

Sweet, well then true Christians definitely shouldn’t have an issue with cross dressers because the part of the Bible that touches on that topic is written just a few passages BEFORE the part about parents accepting their daughters being stoned to death. Make sure you check out Deuteronomy 22:5, “A woman shall not wear anything that pertains to a man, nor shall a man put on a woman’s garment, for all who do so are an abomination to the Lord Your God.”

…I’m a little confused. What does the Bible say about unisex clothing items, like regular white socks? Are those feminine or masculine articles of clothing? I just want to make sure I’m dancing on the right side of this here Christian line. Also, is there a reference list somewhere in the Bible that itemizes these manly clothes and womanly clothes? Because, you know, Christians “shall not add to the word which I command you, nor take away from it, that you may keep the commandments of the Lord your God which I command you” (Deuteronomy 4:2). I would hate for an otherwise model Christian to be hot in Hell with all the brimstone and whatnot because he/she assumed that bras were only for women.

But of course cross dressing is definitely a sin, no doubt. Why? Well, because, uh, your pastor or preacher told you so, and American society says it’s weird, that’s why! Very valid reasons!

I hope that pastor or preacher teaching you the word of God isn’t a woman though.  Because that, too, is wrong according to the Bible. 1 Timothy 2:12 (which is in the New Testament, by the way) says, “And I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man, but to be in silence.”

But of course that doesn’t apply to the Christian world today. The modern Christian can ignore that one because, uh, it’s written on an odd-numbered page in the NKJ Bible (I’m sure you hip, new Christian know exactly what that acronym stands for).

That odd-numbered page excuse was completely made up by me, by the way. And I’m just a sin-living wayward soul, so please disregard.  The Bible has never been tainted by the hands of man, even as it was translated from the ancient language in which it was originally written.  But I digress.

What’s that, ladies? You want to wear braids in your hair to church service this upcoming Sunday because it will go nicely with your new Gucci blouse? You better think again: undo them braids woman and put on that plain, “modest” Hanes Women’s t-shirt that’s 3 sizes too big so it doesn’t fit too tightly (1 Timothy 2:9)!

But the MAN with long hair can braid his for Sunday. Or can he? Would he be venturing into cross dressing territory if he wears a woman’s hair tie to keep the ends of his braids in place?

Wait no, the cross dressing thing was in the Old Testament. The modern Christian can ignore all that stuff, right? And besides, the long-haired dude is a lost cause anyway because his hair is long. That’s a no-no (1 Corinthians 11:14).

And what about this passage stating that women should avoid wearing “costly clothing” to church? I searched the Bible and I couldn’t find a written dollar amount to quantify the threshold for “costly” and the acceptable inexpensive clothing. If I did find this dollar amount in the Bible, would it be accompanied by a proper, written percentage to use to adjust for the economic inflation that has occurred during all the time that has passed since the Bible was written? Maybe it’s based on a percentage of one’s net worth? If so, can Bill Gates’ wife be wheelchaired into church wearing a modest dress made entirely of 24K gold and 10,000 carats worth of diamonds? Hopefully she doesn’t mind praying next to Betty Sue who is only sporting her black Hefty trash bag as her “modest clothing” because she’s making minimum wage and that is–proportionately speaking–all she is allowed to wear.

What am I saying? Of course Mrs. Gates wouldn’t mind! Christians don’t judge other Christians!

…Ah heck, I’m confused about all this. I’ll explore all this stuff later after I change all of my recent house designs to have parapets on the roofs so I don’t cause any unsuspecting new homeowners to “bring guilt of bloodshed on your household if anyone falls from it.” (Deuteronomy 22:8)

But of course, all of you REAL Christians out there already knew that.

P.S. Here bible thumping Christians: I’ll help you out. Have someone in your group say the following aloud, then all the surrounding Christians agree with genuine concern for my well-being: “We really need to say a strong group prayer for our brother LeVon. His recent Facebook post proves that he has been led horribly astray by the Devil. He is a lost soul and we MUST bring him back to Jesus!”

P.P.S. To all of you Christians out there who turn to the Bible to help you be a good person while remaining tolerant of others and open to the fact that, you know, maybe you don’t actually know everything under the Sun (or on the opposite side of the Sun, or on the other planets that surely exist in the expanse of this great universe of which we humans occupy only an unfathomably tiny, completely negligible fraction of): I commend you for doing what is necessary to make our world a better place while having no issue sharing our planet with Aashif or Waqaar, or any other person whom doesn’t necessarily believe what you believe.

About awakenednovelty

I'm just a dude that loves my family and friends, designing houses, playing my acoustic guitar, and cars. This blog is a collection of some of my thoughts, and I guess part of my attempt to leave a mark on this planet saying, "I was here." View all posts by awakenednovelty

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